There is nothing more painful than the loss of a loved one, in my case it was the loss of my dear mother.

“A million words would not bring you back, I know because I tried.”– Unknown

If you ever lost a loved one you will know that there is nothing anyone can say or do that will make the pain go away.

They say time heals all wounds, but in my experience time just takes the edge off of the acute pain.

My heart/My Mother

After 11 years of living apart,I moved to the UK in 2011 to be with my mum, and she sadly passed on to glory in 2012. I only had one year with her.

That year was the best year of my life and it  soon turned out to be the worst year of my life.

My mother was and is still my everything. Words can not describe the love I have for her.

I cherish the memories and the times we shared.

She was a giver, kind, gentle and very hard working.

Her smile alone brightened even the darkest of days.

She was a straight talker, and never lowered her standards.

Some say she had a short fuse, but I am glad I never witnessed that side of her.

I can go on and on to describe what an amazing woman she was…

The death of my mother

Her death was and still remains a mystery to me, as I can never fully understand what happened.

It all began with  blisters which spread all over her body. Because of all the dead skin the doctors had to perform surgery to remove the skin.  After surgery she was taken to the Intensive Care Unit.

She spent about  2 months in ICU, with breathing tubes, lots of medication and no sign of hope.

She began to gain consciousness and was talking and getting better. However due to the damage of her skin the doctors claim she had chest infection and died on the 16th of December with multiple organ failure.

I don’t even know how a single blister can lead to multiple organ failure…

The question I have and will always have is Why?

Why did she have to go?

Why now?

I had a lot of questions that no one could answer.

The days that followed were very dark and grey for me.

Time seemed to be at a stand still and everything and everyone moved in slow motion.

Grieving…

I don’t think there is a formula for how one can cope with loss, everyone has their own way of grieving.

Now having read about the phases of grieving I have come up with the conclusion that most people grieve in a similar way.

I now know that it is a process that should not be rushed, and one should take as much time as they need.

I went through all the phases of the grieving process outlined in the book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – On Death and Dying

Denial*

I was in a state of shock and disbelief. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to see her in the morning smiling and making breakfast.

Every now and then I kept calling her phone with the hope that she would answer and assure me everything was OK.

Anger*

I was angry at myself for not telling her I loved her everyday,

I was angry at God for letting this happen..

I went in a state of *Depression*

I couldn’t eat, sleep or feel.

I buried myself in work, and church trying to mask the pain I felt inside.

Not allowing myself the chance to cry or even think.

With time I just came to terms with the fact that she was not coming back. That was when I chose to live my life for her. To live in the moment and learn to enjoy the journey not only the destination.

“It takes strength to make your way through grief, to grab hold of life and let it pull you forward.” – Patti Davis

I am grateful for the support system that I had. My family was there to pick up the pieces, they supported me emotionally, financially and spiritually.

NOW……

I sometimes catch myself thinking  of all the good times we shared.

I still hear her laughter in my ears,

I dream about her when I am about to make make major moves in my life,

I know she is looking down on me with a smile on her face. I made a vow to myself to make her proud, to be the best version of myself I can be ( to be honest it’s not an easy road, but I know I will make you proud MUM)..

---