There are certain things in life you just assume will happen. Like the sun rising, or the tide coming in, or when you decide you’re ready, the miraculous, simple act of having a baby. You are prepared for the love, the sleepless nights, the chaos but you are never, ever prepared for this gaping, bleeding emptiness. You thought the path was clear, but instead, you’ve been dropped onto a solitary, agonising road paved with dashed hopes.

This is the life of Trying to Conceive (TTC). It’s not a phase, it’s a living wound. Behind those three cold words is a universe of soul-crushing pain, utter isolation, and the fierce longing for the one thing you want most in the world. It is the loss of a life that hasn’t even begun, but which you already loved with your whole heart.

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The Monthly Shattering

If you’ve never been through this, you cannot possibly understand the emotional intensity. Every month becomes an excruciating, almost physical cycle of hope and catastrophe. You spend two weeks meticulously tracking, planning, and holding onto a tiny, fragile dream that feels like glass. Then comes the two week wait (TWW) where your mind tortures you, analysing every little cramp, flutter, or change in mood with the frantic intensity of a desperate prayer.

And then the moment arrives, bringing with it the crushing, absolute finality of a failed attempt. It’s more than just disappointment, it is a loss. A violent shattering of a future you had already started planning. The nursery colour, the name, the feel of that tiny hand wrapped around your finger. They say time heals all wounds but in this experience time just takes the edge off the acute pain only to ensure it returns in full brutal force a few weeks later.

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My Heart vs. Their Happiness: The Anguish of Witnessing Joy

Perhaps the deepest darkest wound in this process is the world’s constant effortless celebration of what you are desperately fighting and failing to achieve.

It feels unforgivable to admit this, but seeing a pregnancy announcement, a baby shower invitation, or even just a smiling mother pushing a pram can feel like a punch to the gut. You are genuinely happy for your friends and family, but that fleeting, genuine joy is instantly and brutally undercut by a question that echoes in the silence of your heart: Why not me?

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Choosing Strength in the Darkness

While I carry the heavy burden of this longing each day, I am determined to embrace life. I choose to be stong and navigate this journey with both courage and resilience, knowing that I am not alone in this experience. I choose to be grateful for the love and the support system that is there to pick up the pieces.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.” — Bob Marley

I vow to be the best version of myself I can be, even on the darkest days. I will keep carrying this hope, but for today, I acknowledge the pain. And I choose to live in the moment and learn to enjoy the journey, not only the destination.